What Is Shame? (And How It’s Different From Guilt)

Why We Need to Talk About Shame

We’ve all had that moment: a wave of heat in your chest, the drop in your stomach, the voice that whispers, “You’re not good enough.” That’s shame, and it’s more common (and more powerful) than many of us realise.

Shame isn’t just a feeling. It’s an internal message that says, “I am bad,” not just “I did something bad.” And when left unchecked, it can silently influence everything our relationships, our confidence, and even our physical health.

Learning how it appears in daily life, and why understanding the difference between shame and guilt is essential to emotional well-being.

What Is Shame?

Shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are fundamentally flawed and unworthy of love or belonging.

Researcher and author Brené Brown defines it as:

“The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”

It’s a deeply human emotion, but one that thrives in silence. Shame makes us hide. It makes us overwork, overachieve, people-please, or lash out all in an attempt to avoid being seen as ‘not enough.’

Shame vs. Guilt: Why the Difference Matters

Shame and guilt are often confused, but they are two very different emotional experiences and the distinction matters.

Guilt says:
“I did something bad.”
It focuses on behaviour. Guilt can be helpful. It allows us to take responsibility, make amends, and grow.

Shame says:
“I am bad.”
It focuses on identity. Shame tends to disconnect us from others, fuels self-criticism, and rarely leads to positive change.

How Shame Shows Up in Daily Life

You might not always know when shame is at work; it often wears a disguise.

Here are some common signs:
Perfectionism: Trying to do everything flawlessly so no one sees your flaws
Overachievement: Hustling to prove your worth
People-pleasing: Saying yes when you mean no, to avoid rejection
Withdrawal: Pulling away from others when you feel vulnerable
Inner critic overload: That constant voice telling you you’re not good enough

Sound familiar? These behaviours are often responses to a deeper fear: that if people really saw you, they wouldn’t accept you.

The Cost of Carrying Shame

Shame doesn’t just affect how we feel emotionally, it can also influence our physical health, behaviour, and long-term wellbeing.

Chronic shame has been linked to:

• Anxiety and depression
• Burnout and emotional exhaustion
• Social withdrawal and isolation
• Disordered eating, addiction, and self-harm

Left unaddressed, shame can quietly erode our sense of self-worth often without us even realising it.

The Good News: Shame Can’t Survive Empathy

The most powerful way to disarm shame is to name it.
Shame thrives in silence. It grows stronger when we keep it hidden.

When you can say, “This is shame,” whether aloud to a therapist, written in a journal, or quietly to yourself something begins to shift. Naming it breaks the spell.

And when that shame is met with empathy someone saying, “You’re not alone. I’ve felt that too,” it starts to soften. It begins to lose its grip.

A Gentle Reminder

Shame says: “You’re broken.”
But that’s not the truth.

The truth is: you’re human.
And like all humans, you are worthy of love, compassion, and growth exactly as you are.

Journal Reflection Prompt

Take 10 minutes with your journal:

• When have I felt like I wasn’t good enough?
• What triggered that feeling?
• How did I respond at the time?
• How might I respond differently now, knowing more about shame?

Take some time to Pause

If something in this article stirred something in you, you’re not alone. Shame is a deeply human experience and bringing awareness to it is already a meaningful step.

Here are a few ways you could use what you’ve read:

• Reflect on the journal prompt in your own time or bring it into therapy
• Save this article to revisit when shame shows up again
• Share it with someone close to you – it might open up a thoughtful conversation
• If you’re exploring support, you can find more about how I work on my therapy website

There’s no right way to move forward only your way, in your own time.

All the best,

Clodagh